Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Congress Finally Names It Prime Ministerial Candidate

Post the drubbing that it faced in the election Congress has finally decided on declaring its Prime Ministerial candidate. To counter the Narendra Modi effect it has decided to declare the whole cabinet in advance which party Vice President Rahul Gandhi thinks would be even more transparent that Arvind Kejriwal's Aam Aadmi Party. The party has also done some re jig in the organization to ensure that it can prevent Modi led NDA from capturing power. 

Party President - Sonia Gandhi 
Sonia retains the job not because of her performance but Clause 103 (a) amended in 1976 of the Party Constitution that says once a Nehru-Gandhi kin has been appointed in any post in the party they hold it for life. Some Congress members such as Govinda also threatened to make a biopic reminding her of her motherly role in the party as he had done it in 2004. Sonia feels pressure of the post is lesser than having to associate her name with a Govinda flick. 

Vice President - Rahul Gandhi
He holds the post thanks to the party constitution and has decided to strengthen the organization and go about on his mission 'Discovery of India'. He couldn't find his great grandfather’s famous book in Parliament's library as former Congress President Sitaram Kesri never returned the book to the library after it was issued to him in 1996. The librarian is still calculating the fine and wondering whom to hold accountable as Rajiv Gandhi had signed in the column of introducer according to records. Scheduled in this trip are are a night halt with the Jyrwas of Andaman and lunch in a remote village in North East. 

Candidates for the Upcoming Polls 

Prime Minister - Nandan Nilekani
After Rahul's reluctance to face a drubbing in the hands of Modi, Congress wanted to field a man with a clean image and in Nilekani they found a perfect man to counter Modi's development and Kejriwal's Aam Aadmi Image. Nilekani has taken up the challenge but wonders why his photo wasn't printed on the Adhar Cards as this would have made him popular among the masses. A tailor near Jama Masjid has been asked to stitch Kurta Paijama for him as he plans to shed his business suits.

Deputy Prime Minister - Digvijay Singh
Rahul's Man Friday and a family loyalist has been rewarded. According to party insiders Congress fears that Nilekani might not be a Gandhi loyalist thanks to his self-made man image. He had achieved everything without an influential surname and hence might not act a sycophant take orders from 10 Janpaath so Digvijay would do the counter balancing act. 

Home Minister - Manish Tiwari
After passing the litmus test on several occasions on Arnab Goswami's 120 minute (News Hour) Manish finally finds his name nominated for the Home Ministry. On his list are 14 new linguistic states, scrapping the CAG and renaming (read re-branding) the CBI from Central Bureau of Investigation to…shhhhh! All of us know that….. 

Defence Minister - Manmohan Singh
Congress wasn't keen on having him on board but our current Prime Minister who has often been termed weak requested for the post to do an image makeover. He is already planning to take on Nawaz Sharif at the first opportunity. He is also planning some big ticket purchase of VVIP choppers and taking over an abandoned sword making factory in Italy at Madam's insistence. MMS thinks our soldiers are likely to face hand to hand combat against the Chinese in Ladakh and swords would be the master weapon that would scare the Chinese.

Finance Minister - Robert Wadhra
Even the freest thinking corporate houses like to keep finances in their most trustworthy man and how can our Grand Old Party think otherwise. He promises big time reforms in the economy and plans to create a vibrant environment and offer tax relief to DLF. Swiss Bank would be allowed to set up branches in India and have been assured the power of secrecy. Also on cards are some disinvestment and the money would go to a certain trust that would look after the welfare of the Mango People (opps Aam Admi)

Foreign Minister - Shashi Tharror
The only think that worked for the politician from Kerala was his fluency over the language and understanding of international affairs. Plus the Congress feels it would be difficult to control his cattle class comments if he is handed over any other ministry. Tharoor has however been advised to keep away from the social media and also transfer some of his followers to Rahul Gandhi's Twitter handle so that he can share his brilliant ideas with them. 

Railway Minister - Up for Grabs
In the meeting it was seen that Congress doesn't have strong presence in West Bengal or Bihar as these are the only states that have traditional rights over this ministry. So for now no names have been declared and if Congress comes winning some allies such as Sharad Pawar might be offered this ministry. Congress leaders also discussed the demerits of further improvement in the country's railway network as it might fuel more migration to Urban areas where the party doesn’t fare well ever since BJP came into the picture. 

Coal Minister - To Go Under Auction
Coal Ministry seems to be one of the most prized ministries in India. With so much of allocation and so much money to be made the party has decided to auction the post of Coal Minister to the highest bidder. Rajeev Shukla who has already gained experience in IPL auction is oversee the deal. The party believes that they would be able to raise enough money from this auction to fund their election costs for 2014.

There was lots of chaos in the meeting and many state leaders wanted to be their names for other ministries such as Telecom, Civil Aviation, Shipping etc. But Rahul wants to keep these in the bucket for now to be traded with potential allies for support and also some Youth Congress leaders might find themselves in these ministries if UPA retains power as this will help Rahul create his exclusive line of sycophants.

P.S. This is a complete work of fiction and should be read with a light heart

1 comments:

skunk December 11, 2013 at 5:13 PM  

Satire, or Blatant expression of discontent with the ruling government? Because I see your disagreement being reflected more than your intended sarcasm on the topic....I do not disagree on the content but this can be made more amusing, if at all this has to be read with a light heart.

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